INVITE STRESS
Edition 12
Should I Always Believe My Feelings?
When Emotions Inform Us, and When They Mislead Us
Have you ever said:
"I feel that something is wrong."
And then behaved as though something must be wrong?
We do this all the time.
"I feel that she doesn't like me."
"I feel that my boss is unhappy with me."
"I feel that something terrible is going to happen."
"I feel that I am going to fail."
"I feel that he is deliberately ignoring me."
"I feel that nobody respects me."
The feeling is real.
But is the conclusion necessarily real?
That is an important question.
After all, we experience our feelings directly, but we experience reality indirectly.
And sometimes the two are very different.
Your Feeling Is Real
Let us begin with something important.
If you feel frightened, you are genuinely frightened.
If you feel angry, you are genuinely angry.
If you feel hurt, you are genuinely hurt.
There is no need to argue with the feeling itself.
The problem occurs when we make a second assumption:
"Because I feel it, it must be true."
That is not necessarily so.
A feeling tells us something about our internal state.
It does not automatically tell us everything about the external situation.
The Dark Room
Imagine walking into a dark room at night.
You suddenly see something moving.
You feel frightened.
Your heart beats faster.
Your body prepares for action.
You believe there is a dangerous animal in the room.
You switch on the light.
It is only a curtain moving in the breeze.
Was your fear real?
Yes.
Was the danger real?
No.
The emotion was genuine.
The interpretation was incorrect.
This is one of the most important distinctions in stress management.
The RAT Connection
This is where RAT Analysis™ becomes particularly useful.
When we experience a strong emotion, we can ask:
R — REAL
Is there an actual threat or problem?
A — APPARENT
Could the threat be based on an assumption, interpretation, memory, anticipation, or misunderstanding?
T — THREAT
What exactly am I perceiving as the threat?
The objective is not to say:
"Your emotion is wrong."
Instead:
"Your emotion is real. Let's check what is producing it."
The Angry Employee
Imagine an employee sends an email to their manager.
The manager does not respond.
The employee feels ignored.
Then comes another thought:
"My manager doesn't respect me."
Anger develops.
The employee sends an irritated reply.
Later, the employee discovers that the manager had been in an emergency meeting and had never even seen the original email.
The anger was real.
The assumption was not.
A few seconds of checking reality might have prevented an unnecessary conflict.
The Worried Parent
A parent calls their adult child.
There is no answer.
The parent immediately thinks:
"Something has happened."
Fear increases.
The parent calls repeatedly.
The child eventually answers:
"I was in a meeting."
Again:
The worry was real.
The catastrophe was imagined.
The emotion did not prove the prediction.
The Student
A student receives a lower-than-expected mark.
They feel:
"I'm not intelligent enough."
That feeling can become a conclusion.
The student stops trying.
But perhaps the real issue was inadequate preparation.
The emotion was giving information:
"I am disappointed."
The mind converted it into:
"I am incapable."
Those are completely different statements.
The Relationship
A spouse comes home and is unusually quiet.
The other partner immediately feels:
"They are angry with me."
The feeling becomes resentment.
The partner becomes defensive.
An argument begins.
Later:
"I've had a terrible day at work."
Nothing was wrong with the relationship.
The interpretation created the conflict.
When Feelings Become Commands
One of the biggest problems occurs when we allow feelings to dictate behavior.
"I feel angry, so I must confront them."
"I feel afraid, so I must avoid it."
"I feel like quitting, so I should quit."
"I feel unappreciated, so I should withdraw."
"I feel like buying it, so I should buy it."
"I feel tired, so I cannot do this."
But feelings are not commands.
They are signals.
A signal deserves attention.
It does not necessarily deserve obedience.
Emotions Can Be Useful
We should never turn this idea into:
"Ignore your emotions."
That would be another mistake.
Fear can alert us to danger.
Anger can alert us to perceived injustice.
Sadness can indicate loss.
Guilt can alert us to a conflict with our values.
Excitement can energize us.
Frustration can indicate an obstacle.
Boredom can signal a need for change or stimulation.
Emotions can therefore provide valuable information.
The problem is not having emotions.
The problem is acting on them without examining them.
The Difference Between Feeling and Fact
Try completing these two sentences:
I feel...
"I feel that my colleague is deliberately avoiding me."
Now separate the feeling from the fact.
What I actually know is...
That second question can be remarkably powerful.
It forces us to distinguish:
Experience
from
Interpretation.
The Social Media Example
You post something online.
Nobody responds.
You feel ignored.
Then your mind says:
"Nobody cares about what I say."
But what do you actually know?
Perhaps people did not see it.
Perhaps they were busy.
Perhaps the algorithm did not show it to them.
Perhaps they read it but had nothing to say.
The feeling of being ignored may be genuine.
The conclusion may still be uncertain.
Why This Creates Stress
The sequence can look like this:
Event
↓
Interpretation
↓
Emotion
↓
Belief
↓
Action
↓
Consequence
Consider:
Someone doesn't return your call.
↓
"They don't care about me."
↓
Hurt.
↓
"I am not important."
↓
Withdrawal.
↓
Relationship deteriorates.
The original event was small.
The interpretation expanded it.
The emotion strengthened the interpretation.
The action created a consequence.
And the consequence generated more stress.
This is how an apparently small event can become a major source of stress.
What Does "Unsolicited" Mean?
We don't always choose the first emotional reaction that appears.
A thought occurs.
A memory is triggered.
Something reminds us of a previous experience.
An emotion appears.
It may arrive before we have consciously decided what to do.
In that sense, the emotion may be unsolicited.
But what happens next is important.
We can ask:
"Do I want to act on this emotion?"
That is where choice begins.
The Three-Second Pause
You don't always need an elaborate psychological exercise.
Sometimes a small pause is enough.
When a strong emotion appears:
STOP
Don't immediately act.
NAME
What am I feeling?
CHECK
What actually happened?
SEPARATE
What do I know from what I am assuming?
CHOOSE
What is the most appropriate response?
That pause can prevent an emotion from becoming an unnecessary action.
The Doctor's Waiting Room
Imagine someone waiting for medical test results.
They feel anxious.
Their mind begins imagining the worst.
The anxiety increases.
The person searches the internet.
Every symptom suddenly seems significant.
More anxiety follows.
The person has not received the result.
Yet the mind has already created a story.
The anxiety is real.
The diagnosis is not yet known.
This distinction is crucial.
The Workplace
Your manager says:
"Can we talk tomorrow?"
Immediately you feel anxious.
You think:
"I'm going to lose my job."
You cannot concentrate.
You spend the entire evening worrying.
The next day, the manager says:
"I'd like to offer you a new responsibility."
The stress was real.
The predicted event was not.
The emotion responded to a possibility as though it were a certainty.
The INVITE STRESS Perspective
This brings us back to the central philosophy of this newsletter.
When stress appears, we should not automatically try to suppress it.
Nor should we automatically obey it.
We should use it.
Fear can make us check the danger.
Anger can make us examine what has happened.
Frustration can make us look for a solution.
Anxiety can remind us to prepare.
Excitement can mobilize us to act.
The question becomes:
"What is this emotion trying to tell me?"
And then:
"What should I do with that information?"
The Emotion Is Not the Enemy
Perhaps the most useful way to think about emotions is this:
Emotion is information.
But information requires interpretation.
A smoke alarm tells you that something may be wrong.
You don't attack the smoke alarm.
You don't ignore it either.
You investigate.
You find out what caused it.
Then you act appropriately.
Emotions can be treated in much the same way.
So, Should You Believe Your Feelings?
Sometimes.
But not automatically.
Believe that you are experiencing the feeling.
Then investigate what the feeling is telling you.
There is an enormous difference between:
"I feel afraid."
and
"Therefore, I am in danger."
Between:
"I feel rejected."
and
"Therefore, they don't value me."
Between:
"I feel incapable."
and
"Therefore, I cannot succeed."
Between:
"I feel angry."
and
"Therefore, I must retaliate."
The first statements describe an experience.
The second statements make claims about reality.
Those claims deserve examination.
The INVITE STRESS Principle
When an emotion appears, don't immediately ask:
"How can I get rid of this feeling?"
Ask:
"What information is this feeling giving me?"
Then ask:
"Is that information consistent with reality?"
And finally:
"What is the most appropriate action?"
That is how we transform emotion from a source of unnecessary stress into a source of useful information.
Final Thought
We cannot always choose what we feel.
But we can become more careful about what we believe because we feel it.
Your feelings deserve to be heard.
They deserve to be understood.
They may even be warning you about something important.
But they do not always deserve to be obeyed.
The next time a powerful emotion appears, pause before acting.
Ask:
"Is this feeling telling me what is happening—or telling me how I am experiencing what is happening?"
That small distinction can prevent an enormous amount of unnecessary stress.
Until next time,
Dr. Sujendra Prakash
INVITE STRESS – A New Perspective on Stress, Burnout, and Human Capability
"Feelings are real. Conclusions need to be checked."
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